Stalactites and Outlaws
October 2nd: I was at my folks’ house loading Virgie because I was planning to leave the next morning for the first leg of my month-long road trip. I had just finished messing with the jack to make sure I could access the spare tire if need be (it’s fully tucked up under the carriage and has to be lowered down), when I looked across the front yard to see my naughty pittie, Sunny, chewing on something. For most dog owners, this might be a casual annoyance. For me, it's an immediate panic because this dog will ingest large, non-edible items like they’re milk bones. Exhibit number one: the vet bill from her abdominal surgery after she ate a giant chunk of an oversized tennis ball. smh
I run over to her and realized she was chewing on a pair of leather work gloves. Okay, well maybe she just shredded them a liiiiittle bit, ohhh shiiiiiit, a huge part of the cuff is missing! Now, mind you, I had just been at the vet with her that morning to have a lump checked out before I left for my trip. She was a very good girl and the lump was not concerning, so we were riding high, unaware that vet trip number two was a mere 5 hours away. My parents, saints that they are, gathered up my pup and took her back to the vet, so I could stay and keep prepping for my trip. An hour and some change later they returned with multiple pieces of leather glove that she had thrown up, as well as a very large, hard, black, spherical piece of mystery plastic. I guess I’m glad she ate the glove, so we could discover the object that would surely have been another surgery or perhaps her downfall? Never a dull moment with this sweet chaos machine.
An aside: I signed up for Harvest Hosts, which is an RV membership with almost 10,000 locations across the US. You pay a yearly membership fee and then you can stay for free for a night at any of the locations. They just ask that you purchase something from the host. On my month-long journey, I stayed at seven HH locations: two farms, a horse ranch, a cidery, two wineries, and an eco-industrial village. The only down side is no showers, so I have to intersperse my HH stays with state or national parks or friends. No shower in my van down by the river.
Leg one: Argyle, TX to Webb City, MO. 363 miles. ~6 hours
I made my way to the first farm in Missouri and was immediately greeted by a small donkey named Hee Haw. This was auspicious. How could it not be? I gave him all the pets, got Virgie set up, and chatted with Abbi, who lives on the farm with her husband and two daughters. She used to be an educator, but left and started her own t-shirt company. You’ll be shocked to hear that we talked for well over an hour, and I got some hot goss about the softball coach being a total weirdo. It was the homecoming football game that night and the dance the next day, and Abbi’s eldest daughter came into the shop needing assistance with her hair for the game. I asked her about the dance and she excitedly showed me a photo of her dress. This made me miss my high school babies. The rest of the night was uneventful, and as I was trying to get to CT by October 7th, I hit the road the next morning.
Leg two: Webb City, MO to Lebanon, IL. 309 miles. ~4 hours and 45 minutes
This was going to be my shortest travel day, so I took my time getting on the road, and you better believe when I started seeing billboards for Redmond’s Candy Factory, I added a stop. I’d really like to know how much money this candy factory spends on billboards. I have never seen so many billboards along a stretch of road as I did on I-44. I was going to stop after I saw the first couple. I saw like 80 more before I arrived. Do they have billboard rent control in Missouri? Anyways, the candy shop was everything I hoped it would be. An explosion of color and texture and whimsy. A million taffy flavors, rock candy, cow tales, fudge, etc. I tasted some fudge, bought some choco rocks, and walked over to the Redmond’s sister store, WORLD’S LARGEST GIFT STORE!! It was a massive warehouse with every imaginable tchotchke except a fucking Redmond’s sticker. Fail. But they did have a dope 1940 navy blue Cadillac Limousine. Back on the road.
Behold! A new onslaught of billboards! This time for Meramec Caverns. Maybe more than the candy shop, if that’s possible? I looked up the caverns and discovered that the last tour began at 4:00 PM. Mapped it….there at 3:45 PM. Hell yeah! If you have never been down in caverns, get thee there, stat! Caverns are dope. And the legend of Meramec Caverns goes like this: During the Civil War, the Union army was using the cavern as a gunpowder factory. Word got out about this secret gunpowder lair and a group of Confederate soldiers stormed the underground factory and massacred all the Union soldiers. Apparently, Jesse James and his brother Frank were part of this Confederate militia and after the raid, they spent time exploring the caverns. Later when they started robbing banks and trains, the tea is they hid out in the caverns, so the sheriff blocked off the entrance and posted up outside knowing they would have to come out eventually for food. However, the brothers followed an underground stream in the cave and found a different exit. Stalactites and outlaws is a fun story, but there isn’t really any proof that James and his gang hid out there. But you know who DID hang out there? Lassie, when she filmed an episode where Timmy got lost in the cave, and she rescued him. What a good girl.
I left the caverns feeling refreshed and inspired by millions of years of mineral deposits creating a magical underground world.
Merry Christmas Eve to all who celebrate. I spent the day with my parents, baking and watching A Man on the Inside, a delightful, heartwarming Netflix show starring Ted Danson and created by the same people who brought you The Good Place. Wishing you all a happy holiday season and peace and good fortune in the new year.
More adventures coming soon!
